


Applaud, For the Comedy Is Over

by JFox (JewelQueen)



Series: Queer Catharsis [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Gen, In Medias Res, Internal Monologue, Introspection, References to Canon, Sexuality Crisis, Stiles Stilinski Feels, Stiles Stilinski Has Issues, Stiles Stilinski-centric, ambiguous timeline, but not really, mostly just sad angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24280327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JewelQueen/pseuds/JFox
Summary: In the middle of preparations to fight the latest in the series of Monster-of-the-Week/Month, Stiles takes a moment to stop and think about his life and figure some (or none) things out about himself.
Relationships: Scott McCall & Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski/Others
Series: Queer Catharsis [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1752748
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	Applaud, For the Comedy Is Over

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, this was gonna be more drawn out and end up relationshippy (potentially Sterek), but I kept hitting a wall so WYSIWYG. Might mess around later and delve into _that_ some other time if people are interested, but for now, I'm blatantly and unabashedly using Stiles as a means to vent how I feel about my personal stuff. Leave a kudos/comment if you relate <3

Everybody knew Stiles was a jokester, right? That’s the role he filled ever since he first discovered sarcasm. And he reads enough comics to get it. Comedic character even in the face of danger, who has enough smarts to be useful, and enough tragic backstory to be interesting without overshadowing someone else--he screams of Robin, not Batman. Even before Scotty got his hairy makeover, he was always kind of the sidekick between the two of them. He understands that, he rolls with it. Honestly, he’s just glad to be included at all these days. Especially with the turnover rate their little pack has, especially after…

Yeah. So, he’s a sidekick, a Robin if you insist, a tag-a-long to everyone else’s adventures. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have hijinks of his own. Obviously, his dad’s the Sheriff--he’s constantly getting pulled away from crime scenes with a more or less (often less) successful outcome. He has a life outside of Scott, and Derek, and Peter, and Lydia, and--

Fine, it’s not much of a life outside them, but he has one. He is just very enthusiastic about his friends (or in the case of Derek and Peter--mostly Peter--allies), sue him. But! But, the point is, he has secrets, too. An entire piece of his life that no one knows about even!

For example, before Scott, he used to be friends with Danny (and kinda Jackson via proximity more than anything else). It didn’t last long, thanks to Jackson, but Danny still has a soft spot for him. Which is why he tolerates--or, well, Stiles assumes he does at least--the teasing and questions about attractiveness.

Which is another thing--Stiles is actually _very_ aware he’s not straight. He’s known for a long time, to be honest. Beacon Hills doesn’t just attract monsters; there are _a lot_ of very attractive people that live here. Even _he_ can admit Jackson, as much of a douche as he is, is very hot. And Scotty, finally growing into that adorable mop of hair, with his puppy-dog eyes and slightly crooked jawline that could still cut glass--

...Yeah, very attractive populace, very not straight Stiles.

You’d think it would have eventually been a problem, because Scotty is very much his bro and bro’s don’t typically wax that poetic. And with his filter-less mouth, Stiles has--accidentally--said a few poetic things to his face. Luckily for him, Scott is both oblivious or uncaring of how not-straight it sounds, and Stiles has always managed to school it back into something more bro-like after a moment or two. And now it’s just natural behaviour; Stiles will sometimes say something almost flirty to Scott, and Scott will smile and shake his head at his silly friend. 

And that’s really all there is. Despite Scott being one of the very attractive Beacon Hills populace, despite being around him all the time, Stiles isn’t compelled to do anything about it. Yeah, there’s the few possibly-lingering-too-long manly hugs or whatever, and sometimes they get all cuddled up during sleepovers (more now that there’s a wolfy compulsion), but he’s never actually wanted to go beyond that. He would have chalked it all up to a more or less too-friendly appreciation, not actual romantic/sexual attraction, if there was anyone he actually felt some attraction for to compare it to. Not him, not Danny, not Jackson...not even Lydia.

Yeah, is that mind-blowing enough for ya? Stiles Stilinski, self-proclaimed lover and admirer-from-afar for going on ten years now, might not _actually_ be _in love_ with his strawberry-blonde goddess? He didn’t want to admit it-- _couldn’t_ to anybody else--but he just...doesn’t know what love feels like.

Or, scratch that. He _knows_ what love feels like. He loves his dad and loved his mom, complicated it may be at times, and he’s sure he loves the McCalls (minus Rafael of course), and he knows they love him in return. He gets that, ok. It’s just...the other kinds. He knows what it _should_ feel like, according to books and movies and romcoms and one-too-many of Scott’s love-struck rants; all rainbows and sunshine, and butterflies in your stomach, or roller-coaster on the edge of the first drop kind of feeling. And he _is_ a teenaged boy stuck in a town full of unbelievably supernaturally hot people (quite literally), so he’s had erections before. He’s even watched porn and jerked off. And it feels good--at first. Afterwards, he’s kinda disgusted with himself and sometimes it feels like if he doesn’t close the incognito window off quick enough, he loses all the oxytocin he just produced. Which doesn’t seem to be the normal route for everyone else as far as he can tell, so he’s not sure what that kind of love actually feels like. Or if he even _can_ feel it…

Huh? Oh, yeah--so why proclaim his love for Lydia so passionately and for so long if he doesn’t even feel that way towards her (or anyone)? Well, to fit in, for starters, duh. What better way to appear as a totally-normal-heterosexual-dude than to have a (very loud) crush on the most popular and conventionally attractive girl in your school? Especially one that is unattainable for you in literally everyone’s eyes. He hates to say it, but...Lydia was his unknowing beard.

Not that it was all a lie, though. God, that would be way too hard to fake and wouldn’t actually hold up for so long if he didn’t at least somewhat feel something for her. And he does. He does love her, just not in _that_ way. Or maybe he does? I don’t know, it’s complicated--and that’s his point! He can and _does_ love people, namely family and friends, fiercely and intensely even, but when it comes to feeling the sort of stuff he thinks he’s supposed to be feeling about people he’s _in_ love with...that’s not there. He doesn’t feel this nebulous “more” for _anyone_. Or, at least, he can’t tell the difference if he does.

And it’s not even that he doesn’t find people hot--obviously, he does--or have preferences. Like, he could rank his entire class if he wanted to--(he doesn’t want to)--but it’s almost an intellectual thing instead of a physical thing? He can easily debate with you on why so-an-so is or is not a good dating partner for hours, but ask him on a scale of 1-10 how much Stiles would like to “bang” them and his mind goes blank. He can’t pick a value; no matter who the hypothetical person in question is, it’s always an “I guess…?” because there’s nothing for Stiles to deliberate for or against. There’s no attraction, no pull, no drive, no whatever else cliche terminology people use to explain why they wanna fuck someone else, for Stiles. Even all the drop dead gorgeous people he knows; they’re just pretty and hot and nice to look at, _that’s all_. He doesn’t want to fuck any of them any more or less than he wants to fuck someone he finds unattractive--like Greenberg.

And that’s just how it is for Stiles, how he’s always been even before he really knew what it was he was/was not feeling. But no one knows except for him. And he really doesn’t know how to tell someone, even if he wanted to. Hell, he can barely explain it to himself, why would anybody else care about the side-kick’s sexuality crisis? According to his dad, he can’t even be a little bit gay, after all. It would end up as just another bad joke to play off...

“Stiles!”

He jumps, arms jerking and nearly knocking over the books he had stacked in front of him on the table. “Hmm, yeah, what?”

Scott lays a hand on his shoulder and Stiles feels them automatically drop just a fraction. “Dude, are you coming, or what?”

“No, yeah, of course, obviously. Like you guys could even defeat this week’s big bad without me.”

Scott just dimples at him and goes to join the rest of the pack up front, practically vibrating with excitement already. Stiles sighs, picks up his trusty bat and makes sure Roscoe’s keys are in his pocket before he follows them out. Last one to leave, like always; just that much closer to being left out of the narrative for good. 

It’s not like he’s ever the hero of the story, after all.


End file.
